Day 14, I am impressed that I am still going, almost half way! This next week is going to be crazy. It doesn't seem to matter how organized you are when a deadline is looming the job list to be done seems to grow by the minute!
I want to talk about the hardest job in the world tonight, and it is a job that you never get time off with or holidays and you are on call 24/7 for the rest of your life, And that is being a parent and in particular a mother.
We all just want our kids to be happy and be well balanced. We want to give them everything that we didn't have growing up, but in doing that are we protecting them from life too much. Are we making them less resilient. I worry all the time if I have done enough for my kids, have I instilled enough in my kids for them to believe they can be anything they want to be? I am learning that no matter how talented they might be and how much I have tried to teach them to reach for the stars and dream big and to believe in themselves, I feel like I have failed them. I can see the lack of confidence in them that has been in me my whole life. I now realize that it doesn't matter how much I tell them to be confident and to achieve their dreams unless I show them that I can do it how can they do what I preach and not practice myself. I think this is really the driving force behind me wanting my business to be a success and achieve my dreams and that is to show my kids that they can do it too!
I am extremely proud of both my kids and think that they are both beautiful young adults. We always want to think the best of our kids and will defend them till our dying breath. But I have moments were I worry that they are not on their own paths to success and don't have the drive and ambition to go after their dreams. I know they will get there one day. I just hope it doesn't take them 40 years to find their passions and successes and work out what makes them happy. I worry that I didn't push them enough through their schooling. I constantly have to stop myself comparing them and myself with others.
I worry that Leonii (now 20) is working in a job that is not really her future, although she is enjoying it most of the time, it is not a job that will nurture her creative soul. She is ready to start looking at doing more creative studies now and I really hope that she can work towards her passions sooner rather than later. I know that her confidence is holding her back, how can I expect her to believe in herself when I couldn't show her how to do that myself. I feel like she is settling rather than going after what she really wants. We have a great relationship and I feel so blessed that we have always been able to talk about anything. She truly is the young lady that I always wished I was growing up. Even though she portrays external confidence I can see through that and see the old me and it just breaks my heart.
Wil (18) on the other hand I feel like I have let down as I don't feel like communication has come as easily with him. Growing up in a family of 3 girls and having a daughter first I have found it harder to really communicate with him. I think I just thought that boys didn't have confidence issues like girls. He is an amazing and loving young man and I am also very proud of him. Even though I have been able to talk about anything with him, I can't really explain it, it is just a communication gap that I feel like I am failing him with. He has been spending more and more time playing online games and I can see that it is becoming a problem with him spending so much time in his room and less and less socializing. Although he says that he is socializing online with lots of people. He goes to the gym maybe once a week but outside of work he doesn't spend too much time out of his room. He will do jobs for me, after I ask him a few times but only if he is asked. He is going through the interview process for joining the army, and as much as I don't want him to do that I think it will be the best thing for him. (Isn't it sad that I had trouble finding a recent layout of him on his own. It is hard to get him in front of the camera, Think I need to do something about that.)
I think the biggest thing that is hitting home to me, is that I spend way too much time working in the office and on the computer and trying to learn how to use this social media marketing tool and that one, and I have realized that I am doing the same thing working in here day after day night after night. I do talk with him everyday, but not near enough and not nearly enough quality conversations. Breaks my heart that in the pursuit of achieving my dreams to show my kids to believe in themselves and how to be confident that I have just taught them to shut themselves off from the physical world and that striving for your dreams is a struggle.
I can see now that it doesn't matter if it is gaming or working that we definitely need more balance in our lives and more real life connections.
I am always turning down offers to catch up with friends for drinks or coffee because I have been so busy trying to achieve my dreams, and feel like I don't have the time to take time out on my self imposed schedule. So that being said, This week I went to friends to watch the State of Origin on Wed night and I caught up with the neighbours last night for a couple of drinks and friends this afternoon for drinks and a BBQ. I know I need to find more balance and to get out more. And I know that I need to work smarter to make these things happen. I know that I need to re-valuate my priorities.
I know half of this probably doesn't make sense, trying to articulate these thoughts and feelings is not easy for me. This is one of those raw topics that I constantly question if I have done enough for my kids. I know I haven't let them down completely, I know that they know how much I love them, well at least I hope they do, and I am extremely proud that they are considerate and loving young adults they are becoming, I just hope they can live their dreams and find true happiness! I know that is the true definition of success now!
I managed to get a little bit of sleep in this morning, although I could hear Don checking on me every half hour or so to see if I was stirring LOL. Anyway I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. I struggled all day with feeling super tired. I kept trying to fight it and attempt to do some work, but my body had well and truly shut down, so I looked on Pinterest for some inspiration on renovating our house and yard. Found some great ideas for outdoor living HERE :)
Then I gave in to the tiredness and went and had a sleep then we went to friends for the afternoon. So in all I think it was the break I well and truly needed today.
Lots to do tomorrow, only 5 days until my ScrapMedia Workshop so it is going to be madness here for the next week! :)
Night All, I should get to bed so I at least feel a bit more refreshed tomorrow!