I am going to attempt to complete 30 days of blog Loving myself. I am hoping this will help me to find my voice. I am hoping in the course of the next 30 days I will be able to find a level of comfort about sharing all the good and bad. Gee this is not easy, Ok where do I start?...How much do I share, Who is the real me?
Usually when things are not going so well I just retreat into myself and I really struggle with putting myself out there. These past few months have thrown many challenges and heartache my way so I feel like I am slowly emerging from the fog again.
At the moment I feel lost, I have so much to do but don't seem to be getting anywhere!
Everything was starting off on the right track this year and I was heading in the right direction but I am sure the universe went smack her down, she ain't ready! So what followed that was many lessons of grief and all in one week, it really was the week from hell, but I was still able to grab onto moments of bliss and gratitude amongst all the devastation.
I think it really started back in March when our dog Tilly was bitten by a snake (and survived) and Don started having suspicious Moles and spots taken off. The financial impact of both these hit us hard and I think we have been struggling to get back on top of everything since then.
Anyway April was the hardest month, we had a couple of scares with Don's spots coming back malignant and having to have more taken off. Then Our dog Tilly was chasing her ball in the back yard one day, I had noticed that she was getting more and more out of breath really quickly lately. When she brought the ball back to us she was really gasping for breath, I saw that her gums and tongue were blue. I got her to the vets the next day as her breathing was sounding very chesty too. They give her some medication to try so I took her back home, that was on a Wednesday.
Then on the Thursday was when my week of grief started.
Thursday was ANZAC day and I was really missing my Grandad all day as he was in the Army too. I couldn't believe how upset I was all day, it didn't help that I had Tilly beside me all day struggling to breathe. Well I was just a mess.
Come Friday morning I picked up Don from work and took Tilly back to the vets, something was just not right. I left her there so they could do some xrays on her chest. Then Friday afternoon we go the call that just broke our hearts. Tilly's lungs were full of cancer and she had a mass pressing on her wind pipe. I don't think I had cried so hard since my Grandma passed away. Tilly was more than just a dog to us, she was our protector and every family members best friend. She was always there.
Anyway we went and picked her up from the vets as they gave her a steroid injection, we didn't know how much time we had left with her. So I rang my daughter Leonii who now lives in Brisbane which is 12 hours away and we got her on a plane home that night so she could say goodbye to her. The steroids seem to be working as she was breathing a little easier that night.
I have to cling on to the belief that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and I am grateful for that. We had many wonderful years of friendship and laughter that I will always cherish and I hope that she can get past the dark place she is in.
Well Sunday come around pretty quick and it wasn't any easier. Leonii went through the last of her stuff in her room and it really hit home that this was it, she is really gone to take on the world on her own. My baby girl is all grown up and is her own person now! I am very proud of her but miss her heaps. Putting her back on the plane on Sunday night was hard.
All weekend Tilly was going well so we were thinking we might have a few more months with her, but I think she was putting on a brave face for Leonii. Monday morning it was clear to us even though we didn't want to admit it, she had had enough. she come into the office and just lay beside me. Don and I didn't even have to say anything we both knew. It was the hardest day we have both ever had to face. It was so hard waiting around all day to take her into the vets for her last appointment. I don't think I stopped crying all day. I am crying again now writing this post. She managed to say goodbye to each of us in her own way. These were the last photos we got of her.
She even found the energy to sit there with her ball and say goodbye to Don. It hit him just as hard too. I nursed her on my lap in to the vets. We were both in tears by now. I never thought I would have had the strength to be there for it. But I am so glad I did. It was a relief to not see her suffering any more. Then I nursed her back to home again where we buried her with her ball. I think it was the first time I had seen Wil in tears too. Was such a hard day. The next few days were a numb blur.
So with all this going on I still organized my next weekend workshop for May, so I threw myself back into organizing everything. It was a great distraction. But I still felt like I was struggling under a cloud.
So that pretty much brings my year up to now, it has been a tough few months, but I am stronger for it and I think it has also brought mum and I a lot closer too!
I didn't mean to get so heavy on my first post but this has been a post that has been in the making since March and I kept putting it off because it was too hard. So it feels good to get all this dark and heavy stuff out, through more tears too. Hopefully this will also help to move forward now and put all this behind me!
I have been drawing and painting a little bit lately, I think that has been helping to heal too! I will share more of those later! So this is me now opening the door way to my soul!
I still constantly feel like I am not good enough or smart enough to really be a real success. It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have overcome a lot of fears to be at a place in my life where I am doing it anyway. Every day scares the crap out of me that I am not doing it right that I might fail. I have so many ideas and dreams I just don't seem to know where to start.
I have just started to get business coaching from Nicola Moras so I am hoping this will be the answer in me achieving my dreams.
I have another workshop I am planning for a few weeks time so you will be hearing more about that in the coming days. I have no idea what I am going to blog about but I can promise you it will be real. I can do this (if you say it often enough you can convince yourself right?) Well I am going to try.
Thanks for reading this to the end, Hugs if you made it! xxx
Wish me luck xxx