Monday, July 8, 2013

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #1

I read about Flora Bowley's 30 day blog challenge and have also followed Tracy Verdugo's 30 days of blogging a little while ago, I love how real they were, it is something I struggle with big time.
I am going to attempt to complete 30 days of blog Loving myself. I am hoping this will help me to find my voice. I am hoping in the course of the next 30 days I will be able to find a level of comfort about sharing all the good and bad. Gee this is not easy, Ok where do I start?...How much do I share, Who is the real me?


 Usually when things are not going so well I just retreat into myself and I really struggle with putting myself out there. These past few months have thrown many challenges and heartache my way so I feel like I am slowly emerging from the fog again.

At the moment I feel lost, I have so much to do but don't seem to be getting anywhere!


Everything was starting off on the right track this year and I was heading in the right direction but I am sure the universe went smack her down, she ain't ready! So what followed that was many lessons of grief and all in one week, it really was the week from hell, but I was still able to grab onto moments of bliss and gratitude amongst all the devastation.
I think it really started back in March when our dog Tilly was bitten by a snake (and survived) and Don started having suspicious Moles and spots taken off. The financial impact of both these hit us hard and I think we have been struggling to get back on top of everything since then.

Anyway April was the hardest month, we had a couple of scares with Don's spots coming back malignant and having to have more taken off. Then Our dog Tilly was chasing her ball in the back yard one day, I had noticed that she was getting more and more out of breath really quickly lately. When she brought the ball back to us she was really gasping for breath, I saw that her gums and tongue were blue. I got her to the vets the next day as her breathing was sounding very chesty too. They give her some medication to try so I took her back home, that was on a Wednesday.

Then on the Thursday was when my week of grief started.
Thursday was ANZAC day and I was really missing my Grandad all day as he was in the Army too. I couldn't believe how upset I was all day, it didn't help that I had Tilly beside me all day struggling to breathe. Well I was just a mess.

Come Friday morning I picked up Don from work and took Tilly back to the vets, something was just not right. I left her there so they could do some xrays on her chest. Then Friday afternoon we go the call that just broke our hearts. Tilly's lungs were full of cancer and she had a mass pressing on her wind pipe. I don't think I had cried so hard since my Grandma passed away. Tilly was more than just a dog to us, she was our protector and every family members best friend. She was always there.
Anyway we went and picked her up from the vets as they gave her a steroid injection, we didn't know how much time we had left with her. So I rang my daughter Leonii who now lives in Brisbane which is 12 hours away and we got her on a plane home that night so she could say goodbye to her. The steroids seem to be working as she was breathing a little easier that night.
Saturday was a lovely day having the 4 of us home together again. Tilly seemed to pick up a bit too, it was really lovely having that special time together. Then Leonii and I went through some boxes of my Grandma's things that my mum had brought out. More tears and really missing Grandma now too. Although I still miss her and Grandad every day. Then come late Saturday night I had a call from a close friend and it was a phone call that made me realize that we we heading in different directions. So I think it was the realization that the friendship was coming to a close that sparked another level of grieving. It was hard to get to a point that I had to protect myself and walk away.
I have to cling on to the belief that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and I am grateful for that. We had many wonderful years of friendship and laughter that I will always cherish and I hope that she can get past the dark place she is in.

Well Sunday come around pretty quick and it wasn't any easier. Leonii went through the last of her stuff in her room and it really hit home that this was it, she is really gone to take on the world on her own. My baby girl is all grown up and is her own person now! I am very proud of her but miss her heaps. Putting her back on the plane on Sunday night was hard.

 
All weekend Tilly was going well so we were thinking we might have a few more months with her, but I think she was putting on a brave face for Leonii. Monday morning it was clear to us even though we didn't want to admit it, she had had enough. she come into the office and just lay beside me. Don and I didn't even have to say anything we both knew. It was the hardest day we have both ever had to face. It was so hard waiting around all day to take her into the vets for her last appointment. I don't think I stopped crying all day. I am crying again now writing this post. She managed to say goodbye to each of us in her own way. These were the last photos we got of her.
 She even found the energy to sit there with her ball and say goodbye to Don. It hit him just as hard too. I nursed her on my lap in to the vets. We were both in tears by now. I never thought I would have had the strength to be there for it. But I am so glad I did. It was a relief to not see her suffering any more. Then I nursed her back to home again where we buried her with her ball. I think it was the first time I had seen Wil in tears too. Was such a hard day. The next few days were a numb blur.

So with all this going on I still organized my next weekend workshop for May, so I threw myself back into organizing everything. It was a great distraction. But I still felt like I was struggling under a cloud.

So that was May and then it was a trip to Brisbane in June to the scrapbooking expo. Then home late on a Tuesday night after a lovely and very busy weekend, only to come home to the Inlaws who arrived earlier that day and my mum. Early the next morning it was off to an appointment with my mum who got her results back from  a mammogram and ultra sound to be told it is cancer and she will need surgery. So mum went home the next day to get ready to come back for surgery the next week and the inlaws went back home on Saturday, then mum was back for her surgery on the Tuesday. So it was a revolving door of visitors for awhile. Mum had breast cancer about 18 years ago. she was lucky that she didn't need to have any lymph nodes removed this time and we were hopeful that she wouldn't need radium too. But no such luck, it was bigger and more aggressive than they expected so she will still need the radium treatment up in Townsville.

So that pretty much brings my year up to now, it has been a tough few months, but I am stronger for it and I think it has also brought mum and I a lot closer too!

I didn't mean to get so heavy on my first post but this has been a post that has been in the making since March and I kept putting it off because it was too hard. So it feels good to get all this dark and heavy stuff out, through more tears too. Hopefully this will also help to move forward now and put all this behind me!

I have been drawing and painting a little bit lately, I think that has been helping to heal too! I will share more of those later! So this is me now opening the door way to my soul!


I still constantly feel like I am not good enough or smart enough to really be a real success. It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have overcome a lot of fears to be at a place in my life where I am doing it anyway. Every day scares the crap out of me that I am not doing it right that I might fail. I have so many ideas and dreams I just don't seem to know where to start.
I have just started to get business coaching from Nicola Moras so I am hoping this will be the answer in me achieving my dreams.

I have another workshop I am planning for a few weeks time so you will be hearing more about that in the coming days. I have no idea what I am going to blog about but I can promise you it will be real. I can do this (if you say it often enough you can convince yourself right?) Well I am going to try.

Thanks for reading this to the end, Hugs if you made it! xxx
Wish me luck xxx




16 comments:

  1. Such a trying year for you... Not sure what to say except that I am so sorry for your loss. Best of luck to your Mum, I am sending positive thoughts your way.

    You are a lovely person, wonderfully talented and very deserving of success. You can achieve your dreams, I know it. xx

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    1. Thank you Hope for your kind words, they really do mean a lot to me! And thank you for the vote of confidence. :)
      Hugs x

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  2. Michelle sending you all the positive vibes I can send you and your family,
    I firmly believe if you love doing something you will achieve your dreams. You are sooo talented!!! Opening up about life is a hard thing to do, I think we all struggle with our inner demons.... Looking forward to seeing you at the end of the month.
    Luv Shaz

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    1. Thank you Shaz, I can't wait to see you then too, and thank you for your beautiful words
      Hugs xxx

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  3. Oh wow Michelle - I wouldn't wish a period like that on my worst enemy! You have gone through so much! I sincerely hope you come out of this stronger than ever and that things take a much better turn for you very soon. You are tougher than you think nad I have no doubt you will achieve your dreams.
    xx

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    1. Thank you hun, Yes I am feeling stronger, there always has to be a positive to come out of the dark times that's why they happen right?
      Thank you for your beautiful words
      Hugs xx

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  4. Dear Michelle, I completely believe that writing this post would have been very tough, it is very touching, I really hope that you keep pursuing your dreams, you are such an inspiration and a true talent! Sometimes life seems so unfair but in the end those obstacles are there to make you stronger...I don't know if that helps...Looking forward to your next post. Hugs Sandrine xxx

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    1. Thank you Sandrine, it does help, and your comment helps!
      Thank you!!
      Hugs xxx

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  5. Michelle such a touching post. I have always loved your work. And I understand about the cancer fight being an eleven year survivor. And I am very glad that you decided to share your journey. Sometimes I wish I had a blog just so I could share some of the stuff that happens along the way. So I will continue to read you blog and hope for more truly heart touching sharing. thanks as always.

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    1. Congratulations on being a survivor Theresa, my blog has been a place for promoting for so long that I am finding the sharing me part to be very therapeutic. I would highly recommend it, even if you don't make it public it helps!
      Thank you for your comment!
      Hugs xx

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  6. Thank you for sharing this Michelle. You have been through so much in the past couple of months. Sending you prayers and hugs and good luck, as you have come through this stronger on the other side. I will keep you mom in my prayers! Keep sharing your journey with us!

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  7. Caring thoughts are with you Michelle. The grief you have had this year would be difficult for anyone. By sharing and writing it down will help. You are a brave lady - you have taken the first steps to realising your dreams. (I have to say that some of your post sounds very familiar - the feelings when kids leave home and are so faraway. Head full of ideas. Missing loved ones. Disappointments.) Hang in there. Best wishes to your Mum with her treatment. TFS I look fwd to your posts. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful words Dianne, really does mean a lot!
      Hugs xxx

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  8. Michelle, what a touching post. It made me cry reading it so I can imagine how hard it was to write. Hoping though that now it is written down, you can move on with your held held high because god damn it girl, you deserve every success that comes your way. Thank you for sharing (even though I know we share a lot outside of this blog too) and you can see from the responses that so many wonderful people are supportive of you. Hugs honey. Sending my best to your mum too.
    Deb x x x x

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