30 Days of Blog Lovin ~ Day #10

Day 10!!! GOOO Queenslander!!! Lets hope they can make it 8!!! I am off to friends tonight to watch the game, I think it is going to be a good one!! Soo I am getting in early tonight!
I had a reasonably successful day today and got a few things ticked off my list, but then I realized that the next ScrapMedia workshop is sneaking up very very fast. I better get some finalizing done!

Ok I don't have so much to share tonight, it is going to be a big day tomorrow with lots on. So I hope to get a few more jobs ticked off my list!

On the Maddie front, she herded the chooks in tonight and didn't try to eat them, I can't believe how quickly she is learning in just 3 days!! As Christine said it is almost like Tilly is teaching her from the other side! She is so eager to please!

And I really think yesterdays post helped shift something too, It has helped to release that worry about what other people are thinking about me! I am slowly becoming more comfortable in my own skin!! I started going through my wardrobe this morning and have started throwing stuff out! I even had to throw out a pair of Colorado leather shoes that disintegrated when I tried them on! Ooops! LOL I am finding that things don't last as long here with the higher humidity we get here! I hate shoe shopping but I desperately need new shoes and comfortable ones at that!

Ok I have places to be tonight, Go Queenslanders!!!!! I will catch you tomorrow! :)
(For my overseas friends the State of Origin Rugby League Football is on tonight, it is Queensland State against New South Wales State and Queensland have won the last 7. It is the best of Three and they have both won one round each so tonight is the decider, it is going to be a big game!)
I am not usually into the football so much since Wil stopped playing, but the Origin is worth watching!
Night all!! Cheers! :)

30 Days of Blog Lovin ~ Day #9

Day 9 already, I can't believe I am still going really! Following through is not always my strong point with this sort of commitment. But I am here again and I have no idea what is going to unfold today.

I did manage to get a couple of pics of Maddie today, she is such a quick learner, is sitting when asked most of the time and can go and get a ball and bring it back. I introduced her to the chooks and cats today and kept her on the lead incase. So far so good, she didn't really seem interested in chasing them when they were standing around, but as soon as they run she wanted to go after them. Not sure whether she just wants to play with them or try to eat them yet, Not going to give her the opportunity either until she has settled in a bit more. She really has such a lovely nature and is full of energy.

Ok so I have had a bit of time to really think about things these past 9 days. I have really had to rethink why I am doing this blog challenge in the first place. I had to remind myself that I am doing this to find my voice and to find the real me.

Well I think my ego thought better and somehow it come back to writing what I think people want to hear and want to know. I felt so free after the first couple of posts but no so much since then. Your support from the first couple of post made me feel accepted and no so alone and I felt like I was on the right track. But when I didn't get as many comments on the next couple I quickly felt like I didn't have anything worthwhile to say and insecurities ran riot again! The ego was taking over again.
I quickly realized I had lost track of why I am doing this in the first place. I need to remember that I am not doing this for the wonderful comments so many of you have given me, and while I will always be extremely grateful for all your support, and I can't thank you enough truly from the bottom of my heart but I know that I need to keep this real first and foremost for myself. And please this is not a request for comments. I am just glad you dropped by and have no expectations of anyone, I know that we are all busy with our day to day lives.

Completely unedited pic of me EEEK! No make up and no photoshop.

Still the question remains who is the real me. For far to long I have let my past define me and for the first time I am starting to entertain the idea that maybe I am free to define the future that I want and who I want to be. After all it is my story isn't it and I can write the chapters to what ever I would like, so why not entertain the thought that I can be what ever I want to be and have what ever I want in life. With the business coaching with Nicola we have to write our goals and plan our future dreams. I have found this confronting to believe that I can dream big and have big goals. Can I really dare to dream that big? The minute I start dreaming big I get extremely overwhelmed. How can I possible achieve all that? The negative voices say to me that I can't do that, your not smart enough, or well dressed enough or pretty enough or skinny enough and the voices go on and on. The biggest one at the moment is that I am not smart enough.

But funnily enough the breakthrough I had in the last week was with my style and my wardrobe and my thinking. After pinning a few outfits into my style board on Pinterest I was typically looking for things that I thought I could wear or pull off, but then I had a thought what if I just pin what I would love to wear IF I thought I could wear anything, of course that would mean losing at least 20kg but hey I can dream can't I. I find that with working from home that I have over time taken less care of my appearance, living in the daggy comfy clothes that I don't have to worry about getting paint on, you know the ones that you wouldn't be caught dead in up town. But I am thinking I am going to start a new vision board of the new style I would like to emulate and put it up in my bedroom. Then I am going to have a huge clean out of my wardrobe and start working towards my new image. So this is one little thing that I can start to change. Hopefully everything, even the body starts morphing into my new dream style. My new Pinterest Style Board.

As far as the not being smart enough one goes, I don't know how to overcome that one. It is so hard not to compare yourself to others, which always makes me feel inadequate compared to others. I feel like a fake at times. Yeah I know I need to give myself more credit and I am proud of all that I have achieved so far, but it is still these little things holding me back. Hopefully it will be something as simple as pinning that can help me shift my attitude and outlook with all my other insecurities too. I still have a long way to go.

So I think on this journey to find the real me Is more about who I want to be and less about who I was. I can't change any of my past but I can see that it is more about my present that defines me now, and I have the power to write the next chapter in my story for what ever that might be.

On a lighter note I will leave you with this pic I took this afternoon of our cows with a few new friends that have been hanging around for a couple of weeks, did you see all the ducks on the roof?? There have been heaps of these whistler ducks hanging around lately!

OK until tomorrow peeps, Time for me to start shutting everything down now!

And I just want to give a shout out to Theresa, thank you for coming along for the ride hun, you should start a blog I would come and read it. I would love to hear your story too!

Night all xxx
Hugs

30 Days of Blog Lovin ~ Day #8

Day 8 and still going, even though I am pretty buggered tonight. Sitting around the hospital all morning then driving the 5 hours back home has taken it out of me. Mum is all set for her treatment now and we had a good trip up and back. They are giving her a trial radium treatment that won't take as long so she will only have to put her life on hold for 4 weeks instead of 6. She starts treatment in a couple of weeks and her and Dad will be taking their new caravan up to test it out before they start some bigger trips around Australia. So all is good.

I got to play with our new pup when I got home late this afternoon. She is so sweet and so full of energy, It was late when we got home so the light wasn't very good and these where just taken on the iphone so not the best and not and easy task with a pup that couldn't stand still. She is so full of life and energy and is so sweet. We have decided on Matilda (Maddie for short). I will get some better pics on my good camera soon.

She is already learning to pick the ball up and bring it back in one day. She is a very smart little dog and is a quick learner! It is nice to have another dog around the place again.  This is how most of the pics turned out, Just a Blur! LOL

Sorry guys that is all I have in me tonight, Lots going on in my head though so will be sharing that all soon! Anyway I am going to leave it there with these couple of pics of our mad dog Maddie, well she is not really mad, more like a whirlwind! LOL She is already making our hearts full, like I said to Don "The right dog will find us at the right time" and I definitely think she is it. She has a great nature and personality and is a super quick learner! I love her already! :)

Ok I am going to go and crash on the lounge for a bit, A rare treat for me these days!
Night All!

30 Days of Blog Lovin ~ Day #7

 Todays post comes to you from Townsville. The drive up wasn't too bad. Still took about 5 hours. I am pretty weary tonight. So I don't have a lot to say tonight. We did get some great news today, We got a new pup  I she is a 3 month old  blue heeler/border collie cross  pup. I will have to show you some pics when I get home tomorrow. 1got to see her briefly one the way up here. I met up with Don on the road after he picked her up and he was on his way home  and we were on the way out. she is so sweet I think she will fit into the family nicely. We are still deciding on her name it is down to 2. Matilda (Maddie for short) or Milly.  So I will be back with some photos and her name update  tomorrow night.

 ok, I forgot to bring my hard drive with my photos with me so I am going to make this short and sweet and leave it there tonight! I have a few more things that I want to get off my chest in the coming days so stay tuned! I hope you all had a fabulous weekend! Hugs xxx

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #6

Day 6 and still going, well just. I am not really feeling it tonight, I am tired and feeling uninspired tonight. It has been a long week. I am relieved to finally have my resin class finished, so that is one thing I can tick off my list. I still have to do the photos and instructions and edit the video but at least the layout is done and all the samples so that is a start!  

I got out today to have afternoon tea with some gorgeous ladies, they never fail to make me laugh. Thank you Jenny, Deb, Bev, Trish, Joan & Ngaire. They always bring me so much joy and mischief! Love you girls! xxx

  Ok, I do have lots I have to say but tonight is not the night, I do know I have been re evaluating my reasons behind doing this 30 blog challenge. I feel like I have gone off the path of what my true intentions were. So I will have lots to share about that when I have a little more energy and when I am not so tired. Basically it comes down to me being scared to reveal my true inner thoughts and feelings and not just judgement from everyone else but also judgement of myself.
I really need a clearer head to articulate what I want to say about this, as I have trouble articulating what I want to say at the best of times.

Mum has arrived a night early so the next couple of days will be spent in the car! So I think I need an early night tonight!

 

 Night all, and thank you soooo much for your comments. I deeply appreciate each and every one of them! Hugs to you all! xxx

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #5

Day 5!! Woohoo! So far so good! Well it is Friday night and the end of another week. I can believe how quick the weeks are flying by. We have had a few windy, overcast and rainy days these past few days, so I just want to share these beautiful sunset photos taken last month. I thought I would share something else that makes me happy and that is Sunsets and Sunrises and taking photos of them. They really do take my breath away. I love how no two are ever the same! Photography is a easy escape for an artist date too!
 

All of the sunsets in this post were taken from our back yard in June, well they were all taken on two or three different nights but the sky changes so much from minute to minute, I just keep clicking away. I have my tripod set up inside the door ready grab and race outside the minute I see a golden hue starting to come through the window. It took me quite a while to work out the best settings for shooting sunsets in manual with the canon. I still experiment with the settings from one extreme to the other but I am loving what I can capture now!

These power poles in our side paddock feature a lot of my sunset photos, so I am always trying to get different angles on them.

 

 Love the colours in the evening sky, there is something just so magical about sunsets! They definitely fill my well!

 

I love how the sun hits the ground in this one. This photo says hope to me, its like the light at the end of the tunnel is shining bright!

The painting below was done during a workshop with Susan Riley Gee, I used one of my photos of a sunset for inspiration, excuse the pic of this it was just taken on my iphone. That is Sadie in front, she was probably thinking hurry up and move this so I can lie back down! LOL

Sorry I don't have much to say tonight, it has been a long day with more videoing of the resin class kit, the good news is that it is almost finished, just waiting on a couple more things to set.

 I don't feel like I have achieved as much as I would have liked to again this week, so feeling a bit deflated tonight that another week has flown by and I haven't achieved everything that I set out to achieve. I really need to knuckle down and make some changes in my life and routine to achieve the goals I want to achieve, time to give myself a big kick up the arse I do feel!

I have to take mum up to Townsville on Sunday and back Monday for her first raidium appointment, so I will lose a couple of days work, but that is ok because family will always come first. Just not looking forward to the 5 hour drive each way :(

This weekend take notice of the nature and scenery around you and see if you can capture a photo of it, even if it is on your phone. Take note of how it makes you feel, could it be something as simple as this that fills your well too?

Wishing you all a lovely weekend, I hope you get some downtime in! :) xxx

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #4

Day 4 and what a day it has been. This morning was a complete write off. It was a slow start this morning after a late night last night, I finished up around 2am but couldn't get to sleep until nearly 3am. So it was a weary start to say the least.

The Eye of the Beholder by Michelle Grant

Anyway I have been working through this book called the Artist Way by Julia Cameron. It is all about discovering and recovering your creative self. A part of it involves writing 3 A4 pages every morning when you get up. Another part involves taking yourself on artists dates by yourself. It is designed to go through each chapter over 12 weeks, but I am in a group on facebook who are doing each chapter over 12 months. I have had many insights in doing this book and many breakthroughs so far this year. This book is definitely helping me to find my creative self and me. To keep your creative soul full you need to keep filling the well by treating yourself. It can be the smallest thing like sketching outdoors or visiting a gallery, reading a book or going for a massage. Really does make all the difference. I don't do that part often enough but I can tell when I need a break, and its nice to do those little things guilt free. Anyway this is way off track from where I was heading but I just had to explain what my morning pages were to finish today's story.

Jelly Fish work in progress

Well after the struggle to get up, I grabbed my cup of green tea and lemon that I start every day with and went back to my bed where I do my morning pages. I just got settled and started writing when Don comes in with his laptop and wants to chat about this and that and how to do this and that on his puter. It is harder for me to write with the interruptions. So I get up and go and start cooking my eggs and tomato for breaky and write a little more while that is cooking, now Don is out in the kitchen with me and now he wants to sort stuff we have going on with our solar panels and then stuff about our financial adviser amongst other things, so inbetween eating breakfast and finding paperwork and other things my morning pages have gone by the way side.  (I just read this back and it sounds like I was trying to run away from Don, I know he just wants to spend time with me too, I will have to let him know he will have my full attention after I have done my morning pages, they just help me to clear my head for the day first) After I cleaned up and got dressed I headed into my office.

I got a couple of orders and calls finalized before I got a visitor. Then before I knew it is was lunch time. So from all the distractions in every direction from the moment I got up I am feeling extremely scatterbrained and have no idea what I am focusing on now. Don and Wil went for a drive and I took the opportunity to have some alone time and clear my head, So I meditated for 20 mins and that did the trick. It just helped me get back into the moment of what had to be done in the here and now! But I still feel like I haven't achieved much today. I did get all my orders finalized and I did get more resin embellishments made. But I still haven't finished videoing my class kit : And one of my big light bulbs I use for videoing blew tonight, so I wont be able to do any more tonight. I have to order these photography bulbs in because they don't stock them in town. :(

Work in Progress

I constantly feel like I am a day behind on my own schedule. I know the procrastination demon has a lot to play in that.  I think I found one of my time wasters today that I didn't realize before, and that is I usually catch up on facebook and emails while I have a cuppa, but what I didn't realize before or just chose to blissfully ignore is that my cuppa breaks usually end up with going from this link to the next and the next because that is interesting and that is something new to learn etc etc, but before I know it an hour has gone by and the last of my cuppa is cold. Hmmm think I have to make some changes there, I think I need to have coffee breaks away from the computer. Take a good 20 min break and enjoy my cuppa then get back to work.

Most of my work days start at 10am after I do a couple of jobs around the house and go through to midnight or 1am usually, I know that is not balanced and inbetween that is cooking tea and feeding animals and collecting eggs etc. I need to start walking again, that helps me to stay a bit more balanced too! I love working from home and having that flexibility but it is a lot harder to have a work life balance. Its lucky I love what I do, I just wish I was more efficient on the actual business side of things!  

So I have nothing really insightful or exciting to talk about tonight, so I am sorry if I have bored you.
I think I need an early night, I have been feeling sleep deprived all day. Well anytime between 11 and 12 is an early night for me! LOL Since it is already 10.15pm, prob a bit late for an early early night!

I have a little sticky not on my computer screen that says focus, I think I need 20 of them around my screen and I think I am going to work with a timer tomorrow and really pay close attention to where my time is going. I always feel like I never stop but I am not getting the results for the work it feels like I am doing! So tomorrow is operation knuckle down and cross a few things off my to do list.

Another work in progress.

 I started all the art work in this post at a workshop I went to last Saturday with a local artist Lynnie, the background techniques were created with shaving cream and inks, it was a lot of fun. And a perfect day for filling my creative well!! The Jellyfish still needs something more done to it I think and I have no idea what the yellow one or the other one is going to turn into! This was a great class to just let go and see what comes up, this is something I still struggle with!

In the next week do something just for you on your own, try something new or just take some time out, go and fill your creative well!!! I would love to hear what you have done to treat yourself, I would also love any new ideas you might have for me to fill my creative well too :)

Wishing you a fabulous day tomorrow!! xx

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #3

Day 3 already, Today has just flown by, actually every day just flies by these days and I don't really seem to be getting ahead. I just wanted to follow on from yesterday about what makes me happy, well something that is pretty simple but brightens my everyday and makes me feel connected to my Grandparents is having fresh flowers in the house. My hubby Don was with me when I bought these,

 

I just get them from our local grocery store and usually I can pick up a couple of bunches marked down. When Don asked who were they for? I said "Me, cause I am worth it!" LOL he replied with "yeah but isn't it my job to buy you flowers?" I had to chuckle as he has only bought me flowers a handful of times over the last 25 years. Maybe I have planted the seed now and he will get the hint! LOL! It is something so simple that can bring a smile to my face every time I walk into the kitchen!

 OK back to today, I have started videoing my next workshop class and have been making resin embellishments. I have a mess everywhere, which is typical of me when I am creating! I just need to wait for a few more things to set then I can put the layout together tomorrow.

I am a shocking procrastinator and go from thinking I can achieve anything and can take on the world to the next minute thinking who am I kidding. The internal battle in me on a daily basis and even a minute to minute basis does my head in at times. The positive voice in my head is ever so slowly taking over the negative voice. But it is still like one step forward and two steps back.
It would be so nice to be able to stay focused with a positive frame of mind for a whole day, I know I would be able to get twice as much done.


I think too that I struggle to believe that I can have it all, that I can have the success that I know I deserve and it frustrates the hell out of me that I still let these thoughts and doubts control me. But I guess the first step is acknowledging them and recognizing them quicker.
I have some pretty big dreams and goals that I want to achieve and the main one is earning enough to replace Don's income so we can enjoy our own financial freedom. I know I have a lot of work to do between now and then and I still have a lot of work to do on the negative nana's in my head.
One step at a time hey!


On the creative front I have been learning to draw faces, I have taken classes from Jamie Dougherty 
and Jane Davenport and have been going through other drawing books that I have here. My girls are starting to look a bit better, A lot were looking really sad there for a bit. I am still waiting to see what my style is going to be! But I guess I will only find that with a lot more practice.

 This is the Girl I did in Jane Davenports Class in Brisbane, she has these cool face stencils that was used for this journal cover and the birds are from napkins!

Ok I have more resin making tonight so I will leave it there and catch you tomorrow!!

Wishing you all a fabulous and productive day tomorrow!!

Thank you for stopping by!!! Much love and hugs to you all!!

30 Days of Blog Lovin - Day #2

Ok, I am back day 2 well with what is left of day two! Thank you so very much for all the wonderful comments and words of encouragement. I felt a real shift after hitting send on that post last night, I feel a lot freer. I really did feel like a weight had lifted last night. I slept so soundly and actually felt like I had a good nights sleep last night. So that is a sure fire sign that I am on the right path.

OK so now what am I going to talk about tonight, I hope in the next 30 days that you will be able to get to know the real me and I guess I am hoping to get to know the real me too.

Something that has been bothering me for awhile is that I feel like I am a real fence sitter. I really don't like conflict and will go above and beyond not to upset anyone else even if it doesn't suit me. I generally keep my opinions to myself. I have spent a lifetime of protecting everyone's feelings around me and believe me it has been hard work and has taken a toll. I can now see that I have been protecting others feelings at the expense of my own. I am finally finding my voice after 42 years.

Back to fence sitting I have been pondering on this all day and have been wondering if I should get more passionate with my opinions but I have come to the realization that I am OK with being a fence sitter! I can see now that there is a difference to not getting upset or worked up over certain things and not standing up for myself. They are two different things.  I really do feel I am a lot more tolerant of things around me and happy to go with the thinking each to their own. I don't need to have an opinion on everything for or against.

I have really been working on finding my happy place of what TRULY makes me happy. You know that is the hardest thing to work out when you really stop and think about it!
I think it is different to "what would it TAKE to make you happy" (to me that is the materialistic thinking of it). When you really get to the core of your being to really think about "what makes you truly happy" and how you are going to go about achieving that, its not so easy. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on that one. Finding my voice has given me so much and a simple little thing called the truth can totally free you. It is a happy place that no one can take away from you. I am still working on finding my Truth of what it is that I truly want in this life and what makes my my heart really soar. Of course my family is way up there on top and I couldn't be happier with mine but unless you can find your passion and what makes your heart sing and live in your true happiness nothing else really matters. Everything else is just a lie and is just living in a level of existence.

 

I have been there for far too long. Living to make other people happy like my own wasn't as important as everyone else. Take it from me start thinking about your own happiness, your core happiness. No one else is going to do it for you, and only you have the power to do anything about it.

There is no magic formula and the timing will be different for everyone. But start making a conscious effort today to think about what will make you truly happy. Because we all deserve it!

Ok I feel like I have made no sense tonight and this is just a bunch of rambling, but this is me, I don't make sense a lot of the time and I am Ok with that now. This is me, it is hard for me to put unedited photos on my blog and to put something up that I haven't read back over a hundred times to make sure it is all perfect. I am letting go of perfect, who needs that pressure!!

Thank you again if you are back for day 2, your comments really do warm my heart and really helps me feel not so alone in my journey!!

30 Days of Blog Lovin' ~ Day #1

I read about Flora Bowley's 30 day blog challenge and have also followed Tracy Verdugo's 30 days of blogging a little while ago, I love how real they were, it is something I struggle with big time.
I am going to attempt to complete 30 days of blog Loving myself. I am hoping this will help me to find my voice. I am hoping in the course of the next 30 days I will be able to find a level of comfort about sharing all the good and bad. Gee this is not easy, Ok where do I start?...How much do I share, Who is the real me?

 Usually when things are not going so well I just retreat into myself and I really struggle with putting myself out there. These past few months have thrown many challenges and heartache my way so I feel like I am slowly emerging from the fog again.

At the moment I feel lost, I have so much to do but don't seem to be getting anywhere!


Everything was starting off on the right track this year and I was heading in the right direction but I am sure the universe went smack her down, she ain't ready! So what followed that was many lessons of grief and all in one week, it really was the week from hell, but I was still able to grab onto moments of bliss and gratitude amongst all the devastation.
I think it really started back in March when our dog Tilly was bitten by a snake (and survived) and Don started having suspicious Moles and spots taken off. The financial impact of both these hit us hard and I think we have been struggling to get back on top of everything since then.

Anyway April was the hardest month, we had a couple of scares with Don's spots coming back malignant and having to have more taken off. Then Our dog Tilly was chasing her ball in the back yard one day, I had noticed that she was getting more and more out of breath really quickly lately. When she brought the ball back to us she was really gasping for breath, I saw that her gums and tongue were blue. I got her to the vets the next day as her breathing was sounding very chesty too. They give her some medication to try so I took her back home, that was on a Wednesday.

Then on the Thursday was when my week of grief started.
Thursday was ANZAC day and I was really missing my Grandad all day as he was in the Army too. I couldn't believe how upset I was all day, it didn't help that I had Tilly beside me all day struggling to breathe. Well I was just a mess.

Come Friday morning I picked up Don from work and took Tilly back to the vets, something was just not right. I left her there so they could do some xrays on her chest. Then Friday afternoon we go the call that just broke our hearts. Tilly's lungs were full of cancer and she had a mass pressing on her wind pipe. I don't think I had cried so hard since my Grandma passed away. Tilly was more than just a dog to us, she was our protector and every family members best friend. She was always there.
Anyway we went and picked her up from the vets as they gave her a steroid injection, we didn't know how much time we had left with her. So I rang my daughter Leonii who now lives in Brisbane which is 12 hours away and we got her on a plane home that night so she could say goodbye to her. The steroids seem to be working as she was breathing a little easier that night.

Saturday was a lovely day having the 4 of us home together again. Tilly seemed to pick up a bit too, it was really lovely having that special time together. Then Leonii and I went through some boxes of my Grandma's things that my mum had brought out. More tears and really missing Grandma now too. Although I still miss her and Grandad every day. Then come late Saturday night I had a call from a close friend and it was a phone call that made me realize that we we heading in different directions. So I think it was the realization that the friendship was coming to a close that sparked another level of grieving. It was hard to get to a point that I had to protect myself and walk away.
I have to cling on to the belief that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and I am grateful for that. We had many wonderful years of friendship and laughter that I will always cherish and I hope that she can get past the dark place she is in.

Well Sunday come around pretty quick and it wasn't any easier. Leonii went through the last of her stuff in her room and it really hit home that this was it, she is really gone to take on the world on her own. My baby girl is all grown up and is her own person now! I am very proud of her but miss her heaps. Putting her back on the plane on Sunday night was hard.

 
All weekend Tilly was going well so we were thinking we might have a few more months with her, but I think she was putting on a brave face for Leonii. Monday morning it was clear to us even though we didn't want to admit it, she had had enough. she come into the office and just lay beside me. Don and I didn't even have to say anything we both knew. It was the hardest day we have both ever had to face. It was so hard waiting around all day to take her into the vets for her last appointment. I don't think I stopped crying all day. I am crying again now writing this post. She managed to say goodbye to each of us in her own way. These were the last photos we got of her.

 She even found the energy to sit there with her ball and say goodbye to Don. It hit him just as hard too. I nursed her on my lap in to the vets. We were both in tears by now. I never thought I would have had the strength to be there for it. But I am so glad I did. It was a relief to not see her suffering any more. Then I nursed her back to home again where we buried her with her ball. I think it was the first time I had seen Wil in tears too. Was such a hard day. The next few days were a numb blur.

So with all this going on I still organized my next weekend workshop for May, so I threw myself back into organizing everything. It was a great distraction. But I still felt like I was struggling under a cloud.

So that was May and then it was a trip to Brisbane in June to the scrapbooking expo. Then home late on a Tuesday night after a lovely and very busy weekend, only to come home to the Inlaws who arrived earlier that day and my mum. Early the next morning it was off to an appointment with my mum who got her results back from  a mammogram and ultra sound to be told it is cancer and she will need surgery. So mum went home the next day to get ready to come back for surgery the next week and the inlaws went back home on Saturday, then mum was back for her surgery on the Tuesday. So it was a revolving door of visitors for awhile. Mum had breast cancer about 18 years ago. she was lucky that she didn't need to have any lymph nodes removed this time and we were hopeful that she wouldn't need radium too. But no such luck, it was bigger and more aggressive than they expected so she will still need the radium treatment up in Townsville.

So that pretty much brings my year up to now, it has been a tough few months, but I am stronger for it and I think it has also brought mum and I a lot closer too!

I didn't mean to get so heavy on my first post but this has been a post that has been in the making since March and I kept putting it off because it was too hard. So it feels good to get all this dark and heavy stuff out, through more tears too. Hopefully this will also help to move forward now and put all this behind me!

I have been drawing and painting a little bit lately, I think that has been helping to heal too! I will share more of those later! So this is me now opening the door way to my soul!

I still constantly feel like I am not good enough or smart enough to really be a real success. It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have overcome a lot of fears to be at a place in my life where I am doing it anyway. Every day scares the crap out of me that I am not doing it right that I might fail. I have so many ideas and dreams I just don't seem to know where to start.
I have just started to get business coaching from Nicola Moras so I am hoping this will be the answer in me achieving my dreams.

I have another workshop I am planning for a few weeks time so you will be hearing more about that in the coming days. I have no idea what I am going to blog about but I can promise you it will be real. I can do this (if you say it often enough you can convince yourself right?) Well I am going to try.

Thanks for reading this to the end, Hugs if you made it! xxx
Wish me luck xxx